A little Grumpy Cat to make us smile.

It is one of those times where I am so drained that I have nothing to give to anyone.  As expected the birth of my new granddaughter has been disastrous.  My step-daughter has cut off all ties with her dad, her sister and me.  No reason.  That is just the type of person she is.  We are wondering if she is a psychopath.  I am not being facetious. There is something very wrong with her. 

Step-daughter # 2 showed up at our house last week. Her boyfriend beat the shit out of her. She stayed with us for a few days until she could get a bed at Haven.  Now that she is there she is not showing a lot of interest in finding herself a new place.  We are fairly certain she will be coming here when she leaves Haven. She also does not work, and did not graduate from high school.  She is 25. And the real kick in the ass? She had not called us in months. She needs us so that is why she called. 

Then, a few days ago our sewer backed up into our house.  Fuck!  

My son is suffering from severe anxiety.  My debt hangs over me and makes it hard to breathe. I am making major decisions regarding my kids education.  I have to go to a meeting today at 3:00.  The woman who does the interview is all business and has a way of making me feel small. Yes, we are told that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent but we know that it is not true.  When we are already beaten down words can make you feel really shitty. It is a form of bullying. Anyway...

So, that is why I have not been reading your blogs. I am so tired. I am eating Gaviscon and Ibuprofen like candy and taking more than one Ativan a day.  I have even been drinking wine coolers which is not normal for me.  Normally I have about one drink a month. 

And as I know, things will get better. Breathe. 

I Really Don't Know Life At All

It has been a crazy few weeks. And through it all I have learned that I do not know anything for sure.  Perhaps it is with some arrogance that I thought that love is all we need.  If we love, everything will turn out OK. Well, sadly it is not the case.  For over six years now I have given my (step) daughter all my love and support but she wants nothing to do with me.

She is damaged goods. My husband think she may even be a Psychopath. No that is not a joke. Throw drugs and alcohol into the mix and it gets even more chaotic. Her biological mother did a number on her. She just does not have the ability to give or receive love. She accepts and gives when it benefits her.  She has cut my husband, myself and her sister out of her life. She has given us no reason.  She won't answer our phone calls, emails or the door. Instead, she has invited her biological mother back into her life. The "mother" that used to beat her and lock her in a shed. The "mother" that did not call her for 8 years. The "mother" who stood behind her new husband when he sexually assaulted my her and called her a liar. 

Suffice it to say we are all heartbroken.  Her sister has always been there for her. Last week she went and bought her groceries when she herself did not have enough food to eat. We are considering a legal route to get visitation rights but my god, how did it come to this? 

So yes, I really don't know life at all. It baffles me. My heart is so full of love and I have much of it to give but sometimes that isn't going to help. 

Oprah has a page at the back of her magazine stating the things she knows for sure.  Tell me reader, what do you know for sure?  

This post will be short because I am so weary and so very tired. Problems have already started with my step-daughter and her new baby. The things that are going on are worse that we had ever anticipated. We are  not sleeping. My husband is having chest pains and I am having heart palpitations. My stomach is in knots.  Child Protective Services is involved but that is just the beginning of the problems. As I said in my last post, I can't even begin to write it all down. And what can me and my husband do? Nothing. We can't do a thing. 

It is 7:15 a.m. and I am getting ready to go home and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.  I agreed to work another night shift because money is as always, tight. And maybe it is my way of escaping right now. 

So, yes.  Grand-baby is here but already the problems have started and I just do not have the time or the energy to write it all here. If I wrote for the next hour I would not get it all down.  My husband is having chest pains and I am walking around with a sick feeling in my stomach. At times I am shaking. Understand, that I am not trying to be  cryptic.  It is just that I don't know where to start.  It is the kind of stuff that needs to be shared over a cup of coffee (with Baileys) with the understanding that right now there are no answers.  There is a lot of sighing involved. The space between my eyebrows is constantly pulled together in a frown. I wish my mom was here. She would know what to do. She would.  My mom was wise. So, wise. 

To add to it all, I need to make some major decisions about my kids education. They are 15 & 17 and the education they are currently receiving is not working for them anymore. It will all work out but it is causing me much stress.  Actually, I don't know if it will work out. It seems each decision could be the wrong decision.

And that is my week. Too tired to blog. Working and working. Little wee babies who have no choices and grandparents whose hands are tied. 

Too tired to proofread this post. Sorry for not reading and commenting on your blogs. 

She's Here!

Ava  came into the world at 5:00 a.m. this morning. She is just beautiful. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces.  She appears to be in good health. 

I am a Nana! 

(I am off to work, will write more later.)

The New Vagina Post

If you are like me, you will have been drawn in by that title. Be warned now that it is far too much information but it is interesting all the same. (If you are a boy don't read this and skip to the next paragraph.) Most of you know that I had surgery 8 weeks ago.  And almost most of you know that I use a Diva cup for when Aunt Flow shows up. Up until now I was forbidden to "put anything in there" . It turns out I have a new vagina. That is all I have to say about that.

This week I have been busy and have not been blogging. I am so far behind in reading posts I just have to start from today. Let me know if anything drastic happened in your life this week so I can go read the post. That includes but not limited to births, deaths, marriages, being arrested and/or incarcerated, broken bones, strains, stitches, hospital stays, murdering or falling out of a tree. 

Well, the party I voted for got in for my constituency but not for the province. There is no point going into how disheartened I am. On election day I did volunteer which was actually fun. A few funny stories. There was a little boy about 2 that came in with his grandparents so they could vote. He thought they had told him he was going on a boat. Poor little dude. That will probably stop him from every wanting anything to do with voting for the rest of his life. Imagine being 2 and thinking you were going on a boat then having your heart crushed while your grandparents vote. They were lovely people and I bet they took him for ice cream to soothe his heartbreak. There was another guy that freaked the fuck out when I took his yellow voters card. That is what I was supposed to do but he didn't like it. Maybe he thought I was going to mug him, I don't know.  Even though we had the lowest voter turnout in years I could not believe the diversity of people that vote. Business people, doctors, Hell's Angels, drunks, first time voters, veterans, pregnant women due that day, women with newborns that had a Cesarean and could barely walk, old hippies, young hippies, surfers, teachers and minorities.  There were people that turned up with no identification. The most amusing thing is how stereotypically polite Canadians are. Most people thanked me twice, once when going in to vote and then again coming out. Volunteering is definitely something I will do again.

My step-daughter's baby is due in ten days. Going to be a grandma really soon! Please pray or send good energy. If you have been reading my blog you will know why. We are quite worried. Worried but excited. 

Sad Cat Diary

Mother's Day

My mom with my sister, me and my brother.
1980

In honor of our Mothers

who have passed away

Another Mother's Day is here,
And I still miss having you near.
You were the best mom you could be,
And I never once doubted your love for me.

I could spend each Mother's Day in sorrow,
Crying and wishing you were here,
But instead I choose to celebrate your life,
A life I still hold so dear.

I know you'd rather see me smile
Than stand here with tears in my eyes.
So I'll do my best to honor your memory,
And you'll live on as long as I am alive

(OK, I will cry a little.)

Over the last few days I have spent, what seems like hours and hours in our yard. My body gets sore and tired quickly so I do the work in short bursts and then come in and rest. That said, I have loaded up 4 garbage cans of weeds. And as always with weeds, there are still a lot more to be done. I don't even know what I have done exactly but here are a few pictures.

This old toolbox was at the thrift store last week for a price of $20.00. Who would spend that amount on an old toolbox? I went back today and it was still there but without a price. The lady at the till gave it to me for $5.00 and I knew it needed to be loved by me. I brought it home and made it into a planter. 

This little box was also there. It looks like it must have been a high school student's woodworking project. Now it is a planter! 

A better view of the thrifted wheelbarrow, that is now...a planter!

My trusty gardening gloves. 

Chives.

Our yard. Another thing I did was built up the bed behind the swing with more large rocks and soil. Not sure what I am going to plant there yet. 

Today I also spread out the compost on this bed. Strawberries are already coming up and we will plant vegetables soon. 

And now I am tired and will go to bed but won't be able to sleep. 

My Low Self Esteem - Lite

"It's that all my life...everybody seems to be doing or catching on to things a second faster or better than me."

That is a quote from the move, Sister Act.  That movie came out in 1991 and when I heard Sister Mary Roberts say it it was if things I had been thinking about myself my entire life were finally put into words. Since then I have grown and no longer have that bottomless pit of low self-esteem but the more things change the more they stay the same.

Today I went to a training session on being a volunteer for as an Information Officer for our upcoming election. Trust me when I say it sounds more important that it is. First of all I was late because I got lost.  I had to go to the tourist bureau to ask for directions.  Twice.  Anyway, the session is going on and there were about 25 people there. The instructor was talking so fast. Everybody is knowingly nodding. And then there is me. "What page are we on?"  It also seems like everyone has known each other for years. My introvert self is hiding and hoping nobody will ask me a question that requires an answer to prove I know what is going on. We broke into groups and I went into my 'make them laugh' mode. It always works! But then the instructor comes along and ruins my perfectly fun time. I bungled through the answer. Meanwhile everyone else in the room has finished the quiz and I am still wondering what page we are on. Thank god for the woman beside me that had been an Information Officer before and showed me what the hell was going on. But yes, every person in the room had it figured out before I did. One thing that is good is when I figure things out it usually sticks with me for years.